6-Football, Cooking Knives and Reality

Watched one football game with the home team and was all stressed and worked up for the win.
Then watch a second game where I didnt have any connections to the teams and casually watched with a bit of humor.
One of the teams was losing by first just 31 points then 38. Now a saftey it appears.
For the players and the fans it must be really painful. But even for them afterwards its back to real life.
The QB, players go back to living as millionaires. The game may bother them for a while but ultimately they are
sucessful with lots of money despite the loss. Somewhat true for the fans as well. Pain of the loss but then eventually
it sinks in that it was just a game and back to their daily lives.

My sister mentions getting cut while cleaning some kitchen blades. She jokingly mentions how sharp they are
and got to be careful when cleaning them. but now the cut is over and she can joke about it. Both the pain
and the physical injury are just memories and harmeless to her now.


4–For Elisa

For me when i heard of the tragic end for Elisa Lam, it was a tipping point. I couldnt let it go. It kept resurfacing
in my mind for weeks. The are millions of others and many i have known that also

Essentially this project is for all those who have passed on. In many cases not by choice. Its for my father, Joseph connelly. My
college friend Melody H, Its for Krystle Campbell, Martin Richard ,Lu Lingzi , Sandy Hook victims, Sewol ferry victims, Brian Douglas Wells.
Like others i hope they are at peace now. But the passing did not sound pleasant. I really think all of us
deserve much better.

Of all those victims to lifes unexpected end, Elisa Lam was the one that was the tipping point for me.
Her passing was tragic, sad and bizarre. I wont go into all the strange details. It doesnt matter much now.

I found out about it after reluctantly clicking on a link in youtube to strange disapearances or something. In the back of my
mind I knew i was asking for trouble. sure enough i heard her story and was shaken , stirred , creeped out. But also
felt extremely sad for her.

For over three weeks, i have had the thought of her passing in my head somewhere. I dont think its a romantic longing
though i do really like petite asian woman. But there was some sort of kinship. Maybe its because i have trouble
being close to those near me and she is a surrogate. Regardless in a sense i am mourning for Elisa Lam. Yet since its been
over three weeks i feel i am going to have to let her go. Get back to things.

At this point i guess i have several options: 1) accept and deal with it as part of life 2)hope that there is some
pleasant afterlife where she is much happier. 3)presume that her spirit transcended this plane and merged with the infinite.

Option 2 sounds good but more and more seems unlikely. Option 3 may be close but it is still really an unknown. From this side
all we notice is people die and then they are gone. nothing there at all.

It is much like when they finally found her. They found her body but it was of no use as she had apparently drowned. At that point it
was too late. Like find the magic easter egg long after easter. Strangely though it was the first time since her mysterious death
that people were around her. She was back with us but only know as dead tissue.

Ok enough super bummer talk. I have decided on another option for Elisa and all the others. I will let her go but only after stating
I will try to come back with help. There is nothing i can do for Elisa now but I dont want to forget her entirely. So this project is for her.
What i suggest is crazy sound I imagine, but yet no more crazy than a great spirit in the sky that saves us. Though maybe more crazy than
buddhism, merging witht he infinite and all that, I think its more practical for beings as a whole. Plus when i state it, I suggest you sit back for a minute and
think if it really is so outlandish.
My dream, my project, my way of coping and dealing with death is a machine that works to help resolve human suffering. Either we are merged with this maachine or
its independant but has a very strong empathy factor. The machine , at first by humans then by itself, gets more and more powerful. But it isnt Terminator or some
other abomination. Via its own empathy and by logical reasoning it sees the value in humans and humans haveing freedom and well being. If this machine could happen
it would help to create an eden on earth to all folks. The machine would be god , but it would be a god that we built. My guess is it would take hundreds of years
to build it. But it could start now or very soon. Already some are looking into ways to make “friendly” AI . Its no guarantee this would work, or there would be the
focus to even build a machine this way. But as much of a longshot it is , its better than nothing. I am not a fan of the thats the way life is man just move on mentality.
Either we create it and it works, we create it and it kills us, or we are unable to creat true AI. Its very dangerous and risky but unlike some who wonder
why we need AI, I think its crucial to our survival . Just as humans built shovels to haul more dirt, humans build robots to assist with tough work or problems to
difficulty for us to solve.

And so the icing on this case: The machine must learn ways to travel through time. Right now the laws of physics say its impossible but i think the machine can
find away. So that takes me back to Elisa Lam. Its too late for me to go to the hotel and save her, too late to reach in a hand to the water tank. But i hope to be back
someday to

2a-Before the start/Before the “For”…

December 15,2015.   Temperature is in the fifty degree range.  Window is open.  No need for a sweater even.  Someone is cooking bread.  Funny how smells can transport you in time.  The pleasant smell of the bread cooking immediately takes me numerous places.  Some real some I imagine.   I could try to describe them for you but wouldnt just cut it.  Better left that  the overall feeling is pleasant.  Even without much money or loved ones nearby, life for the time being  seems very likeable.

Fading now.  Both the pleasant odor and the transport.   As I will hopefully relate in subsequent posts in the last few weeks i have been in a weird  solemn mourning state.  But strange as not for a person I knew  The solemn state and the fresh warm air and smell of bread have splashed into eachother.   Leaves me with a taste of melancholy mixed with a large dose of admiration and amazement.  I sense reality right now the same way a young person may sense a magicians tricks or some new film with amazing special effects.  A very nice likeable wow thing.

Now someone is cooking frozen food.  A nice taste but very prefabbed.  Too much oregano.  That is all for now .  This is slighly off topic for this blog or at least off on a tangent.    Maybe it will be more relevant later.





2-To Be Clear…

My goals of this blog are ultimately spiritual but that said I am still in the muck so to speak.

I still eat meat, I crave wealth and dream every day living on an island with beautiful women.

Even that though is the light version.  To be more  bluntly honest, i am a recovering alcoholic and abuser of pills.  At times I consider going on another binge (or managed binge).  Pills were even harder to give up and I am still weeing off them after 18 months.  In place of the substances , I have ramped up my interest in porn and collect videos and images feverishly .  I swear i get high from it.

I dont look very good.  52, out of shape, ruddy complexion and clothes are a mess.  (needless to say i have rejected the standard AA method of recovery).  I notice women cross the street when they see me (wow).  Often I can’t blame them.   Call me what you want: creep, loser, bottomfeeder.

I am trying to be a better person.  I look after my mother.  Try to be kind to strangers.  Avoid impulses of hate.  In my veritable muck I tell you there is something good here.

In any case now i dont have much choice.  I need to focus on more spiritual goals.    The tricky part is , it can be just my own spiritual attainment.  It has be for fellow humans as well.   It doesnt work unless all are “received”.

For lack of a better name I call it the BoddhisatvaBot Project.  But it could be the “Jesusbot”, “TechnicalJesus”, or “Technical Boddhisatva” or any variation.  Sometimes I call it the hypermind too.


Maybe eventually the project can lead to higher realms for humans (including me) but for the time being I hope it can make things better by eliminating the god awful misery that is everywhere.  Maybe a smidgen of it may have some aesthetic value  but I think we can find much of it  just has to go.  In particular death.  I believe we should become stronger than death.  Have it at our mercy not the reverse.

So i dedicate the project to all the beings who have or will need to deal with death.   And one in particular , a stranger actually, whose death back in 2013 I just learned of recently.  For some reason it hit me like a close relative, a niece perhaps.  I have felt a thick gloom for the last two weeks trying to come to terms with it and it led me to revisit the BoddhisatvaBot Project.


1-A Better World

I believe its still possible.  You hear about global warming, unending wars, hypercapitalism, and thousand of other things to make your day murky.

But I think it can happen.  Not some sudden glorious utopia of course but step by step deliberate progress that allows it to actually happen.  Its a project that many can participate in by various methods , approaches and even various interpretations.  But the focus is specific.  Life can be better.  It may be as simple as improved toothpaste or as far reaching as making us too strong for death to handle.

Well I know making the world a better place is a sentiment that has become hackneyed and naive in the face of the daily struggle to just get by .  But after 52 years on this planet I think its worth refreshing and revisiting the sentiment. Less for the syrupy goody goodyness of it than the realization that yes in fact it can be done.  Gradually sure but it can.

I hope to still to take time to have fun in this world .  But I also hope to dedicate much time to this project .

I have a name for the project: BoddhisatvaBot.  Later I hope to explain the name.  I also have a person to dedicate it to: Elisa. its for Elisa. She was not someone i personally knew but  reading of her end caused me to decide to finally start putting this all down.  I really hope this can work. For all of us and certainly for Elisa.